12 August 2017
By Frances Burscough
[…] I remember once hearing about a woman whose recent ex had gone away on holiday with a new girlfriend. She still had the key to his house so the day he left she let herself in ... carrying a watering can, a packet of grass seeds and some fertilizer. Two weeks later, when he returned from his trip, the central heating was blasting out on full capacity and the carpet in his “good room” was now a thick and lush green lawn, with verdant long grass covering every inch and all his scatter cushions springing to life too.
Another tale I heard tell — whether it’s true or merely an urban myth we may never know — was about a jilted woman who also took out all her frustration on her ex’s soft furnishings. In this case she slipped in one day while he was out, armed with a sewing kit and a can of anchovies (the mind boggles doesn’t it?). But what she actually did was ingenious and diabolical in equal measure. Apparently this woman (at once mad, bad and dangerous to know, I think you will agree) then proceeded to carefully unpick the hems on all the curtains in every room and then deftly inserted anchovies inside the seams before sewing them back together. Of course she won’t have been there to witness the fall-out, but suffice to say that after a couple of days his house started to smell of rotten fish. Two weeks and umpteen cans of Air Wick later, the smell was so intense he had to move out. Like I said, ingenious — but don’t quote me on that. […]